Just Let It Go?

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When you lose a child, it never gets better. It does not go away. It is always there, right on the surface, always. In time you just learn to live with it.
Other people stop wanting to talk about him. They just want to move on. I understand that. I have been on their side of tragedy before.
But for parents, and especially for moms, it literally feels like a piece of your body was just chopped off! Now you have to figure out how to get through this day without that missing piece. Everything you do is done differently now.
No, we do not sit around crying all day. We get up. We go on. We laugh. We enjoy our family and friends. But, it is always there. Every conversation we have relates to that missing piece. Every tv show. Every song. Everything.

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But, the one thing I know is, that if our children could still be here, they would have stayed. If they could have chosen, they would have loved and laughed and lived a long, happy life. But, they couldn’t choose that.
To the best of my ability I will choose the life he couldn’t.

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I will talk about him. I will say his name as much and as often as I like. I will not allow the discomfort of others to dictate how much I talk about him. This is mine. No one else has the right to take this away from me. I will keep his name alive.

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I wrote this piece especially for the moms who have lost a child. But, for the rest of you dealing with a parent who has lost a child, imagine yourself in their position. Imagine one day your first born, (say their name as you read this) child just vanishes from the face of the earth. Would you just put a period on their life? Would you just go on as if they never existed? The day after, a month after, a year after, at what point could you “let it go”?

Give that some real thought.

Benjamin Luke Davis I WILL speak your name EVERYDAY until my last breath!

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Hindsight

It’s been almost a year, and as any parent in my position knows, you spend a lot of time wondering where it went wrong.
Hindsight is 20/20, and I can look back and see many decisions I wish I had made differently. Most, if not all, were made with much thought, and many were a “damned if you do and damned if you don’t”situation.
I could sit and list all my mistakes, but I wouldn’t know where to stop! But honestly, I think that’s true with every parent and every child. Most mistakes do not end with this result.
One in “mistake” particular that bothers me is allowing him to be put on ADD/ADHD medication. If I could go back in time, this would be one of the very first mistakes I wouldn’t make!
Ben was prescribed Adderall when he was in 4th grade. Every morning he would put on his glasses and take his pill. I don’t remember the exact timeline but at some point that year he started hearing and seeing things.
In the beginning I just blew it off, thinking he was being silly. He was a mischievous little boy after all.
But, one day while we were driving down the road, he told me he heard a voice just whisper in his ear that he hates God. Shocked is not a strong enough word to describe how I felt! I had never let my kids watch movies involving demons, devils etc. I’m not particularly religious, but I don’t see how any good comes from that stuff. So, I just didn’t allow it.

I asked him if the voice in his head was like imagination?
He said no it was outside his ear and it was just like if a person had done it.
Needless to say, I took him back to the dr and said he is having hallucinations and I need him to get off of that stuff!
I never let him take another of what I would call a “mind altering pill” after that. But I can’t help but wonder if that played a roll in his death.
As parents who have lost a child like I lost Ben, did you ever allow them to take any ADD/ADHD medicine, and do you wonder if it played a roll?