Is this Real?

It is completely weird to say my son’s headstone is awesome, beautiful or worst of all, perfect. But it is all of those things.

To this day, I rarely use past tense words. Was, had, use to. They don’t just slide off the tongue. I actually have to think about it.

When does it change? Will it be a decision I make, or will it just happen one day and I won’t even notice?

It’s going on 8 months and it’s still not real.

I go out to his grave at least twice a week, most weeks more than that. I change his flowers. I add things, I take things away. I am careful to leave the things his friends put on there. But I wonder when will they stop visiting him. Life goes on. At what point will I remove the things they have placed there?

For me (most days) Ben is not dead. He is just not here right now. On the days that I realize he won’t be walking through the door, I am inconsolable. I just want to be alone those days. Those days are getting further apart. Will they stop altogether one day? I hope not. Then it will be real. I never want it to be real.