The First Sign

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This is my son Ben and his beautiful girlfriend Ashton.  We lost him on Thanksgiving 2017 to suicide.  A week later, Ashton took her own life as well.  To say it was the most painful time in my life is an extreme understatement.

Ben suffered from Major Depression and Bipolar Disorder.  Ashton suffered from a broken heart and bullying.  Several kids blamed her for Ben’s death.  Those kids did not know what Ben had dealt with for most of his young life.

In the days and months since I have had many signs that Ben is with me. The first was the night after his passing.

Ben has had a Walker Coon Hound for about 8 years. While she is Ben’s dog, guess who took care of her most of the time?  Yep, good Ole Mom!  When it gets dark and all the animals start coming out of the woods behind our house she goes nuts baying at them.  So, each night I bring her inside so that she doesn’t keep the neighbors up all night.  I’ll usually take her out once or twice before I go to bed.  It’s normally a simple procedure.   Since she has an 11ft leash, I can stand on the porch and she can wander around until she finds the right spot to go potty.  Then we go straight back in and into her kennel she goes.

Since life goes on whether I like it or not she still had to be taken care of.  I brought her in as usual.  A few minutes after being in her kennel she started making a sound I had never heard before.  It sounded like whining and groaning at the same time.  I decided to take her out and see if she needed to potty.  But the minute I got the leash on, she started dragging me toward the door and down the steps we go!  She had her ears perked up and she was listening to something.  She was scanning trying to find it.  Then suddenly she put her head down and started sniffing.  She started pulling me and then her head would fly up and her ears would perk.  She just kept listening and scanning again.  I have 3 acres and we walked this whole place doing that procedure over and over again. She never found what she was looking for or what she was hearing.  After searching the front porch she gave up and went back into her kennel.

I 100% believe Ben was calling her name.  When we came back in she laid down in her kennel and cried!  She knew he was gone now.  She had never done that before and she has never done it since.

I know this was long but it is just the first of the many signs I have had. I will tell you others at another time. If you get this far God bless your heart for doing so! ❤️ 13094111_10208607232072536_4177980844889983265_n

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Depression. Suicide. Courage.

Cristian Mihai

The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall…

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In The News – Suicide: It feels like the last tool in the healing toolkit

The Self-Help Whisperer™

I’m beginning a new category for current issues that touch my heart.

This week we lost two celebrities to suicide: Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade. Both still young, doing what they loved and reportedly worth millions.

I’ve written about suicide a few times. It’s been near to my heart for many years… and for many reasons. Maybe I should begin at the beginning… with my own story.

I was a depressed and anxious ADHD kid. I bit my nails until they bled, wanted everyone to love me and emotionally crashed over and over again when they didn’t. I had a massive heart for animals and a need for risk to match it.

I was the child that swam beyond the waves in the ocean, climbed and dove from the highest places I could find, could be found on rooftops and along the block walls that meandered through the neighbors…

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